Image: Tumbled gemstones, scanned on an Epson flat bed scanner. This is not a photograph! by Arpingstone, Wikimedia
My favorite jewelry pieces are often two or more different kinds of stones in a pattern that grabs my attention. Finding stones that are comparable in size, shape, color, and luster is not as easy as it sounds. Even when contrast is the objective, it can be a challenge. For example, cabochons from the same slab can look like completely different minerals when they’re polished and ready to set. While it feels like finding the perfect pairing is a trick of fate, it also takes skill, practice, and a well-trained eye. Though there may be so many other opportunities in life, no amount of luck will compensate for the lack of training and preparation. Once the perfect complement arrives, it still requires work and patience to see it through.
People aren’t so different. When the old folks say “all skin folk ain’t kin folk,” they’re saying much the same thing. You can be made of the same mineral, cut from the same slab, and still not fit together. We all have examples of this in our lives, yet when we’re not intentional in choosing who circles our orbit, our implicit biases will choose surface-level compatibility every time. Like choosing complementary gems, choosing the souls who orbit your life needs to hold elements of intention. Yes, fated moments happen; in fact, happenstance meetings are my favorite! It’s up to us to use the discerning eye we’ve cultivated with years of love, honor, and loss to decide whether folks stay or pass by.
If our lives are a golden jewelry piece, then the people we love are the gemstones. You can opt for every gem to be a diamond, but where’s the fun in that? I choose to fill my piece with brilliant color and flashes of the ridiculous. I get to wear it, and as long as I love it, as long it feels true to my authentic self, nothing else matters. It can be a little daunting finding friends, especially in places like San Diego, where communities are tight knit and wary of outsiders. Changing my directive to adding color and richness to my already bright world takes the pressure away. I want to see myself reflected in surfaces that aren’t just glass, and that takes some pluck and verve; it takes veering off the familiar path and embracing a more authentic one.
One such complementary person entered my life a few years ago. We couldn’t be any more different in culture, beliefs, and goals. We talked anyway, though it wasn’t easy to push past the surface-level differences. At some point, it became clear that we’d weathered many of the same storms. We’d both faced profound loss and deep betrayal leaving us in the same place along an oddly similar path. It took every ounce of courage in my shy self to ask where this kindly being was headed. Turned out we were going toward the same place. As we walked, I saw myself in their loyalty to loved ones, devotion to justice, and deep disdain for greed. They work with wood with the same carefree abandon I work with stone. We spoke at length about the peace in carving and polishing. Their glee in flying sawdust mirrors my love of mud. The slow development of this bond dissolved a deep isolation that was building in my world. It helped me stop looking backward and made the future a little less scary. I can’t help but marvel at what I could have let pass by if I had simply settled into the comfortable silence. Instead, intention and intuition led me to a real treasure in a place I never thought to look. Courage led me to wipe away at the surface and seek truth.
Another gift of contrast is that it allows us to reflect parts of ourselves we often hide from. The flaws I criticized so heavily in myself are endearing in my friend. Their scarred exterior is a tapestry of hard-fought battles; a perfect backdrop for easy smiles and all knowing eyes. If they are reflecting me, then how could I be any less admirable? Reflection says anybody who appears in front of us offers us some glimpse of ourselves. To love all you see is to love yourself entirely. Life says that you can admire the beauty of all you meet but remember that a snake will always be a snake and it is in their nature to bite. Some things are meant to be held, and some things are meant to be admired from afar.
